38. I’ve made it to another birthday. I used to take them for granted. I didn’t feel like they were very special – just another day. It’s still just another day, but it’s another day that I’ve earned. Another day I’m grateful for. Another day closer to all the things I thought I was going to miss. It’s also another day I get to celebrate the fact that I beat cancer and it hasn’t returned.

I went back to MD Anderson in May for scans. My usual CT was switched to a full body PET scan as there was some concern about my bones (high liver enzyme that wasn’t coming from my liver but my bones, blah medical talk blah). I won’t get too in depth on that but it was something my team wanted to be cautious about. I’m happy to report that no signs of metastases were seen! I had to wait about a week to hear from Dr. Ravi as his schedule did not work with my original appointment time. I was definitely feeling a little anxious but he was happy with how everything looked so we go back for a regular CT in September.

I’d love to say that after reaching the treatment ‘finish line’ I’m feeling great but, unfortunately, I’ve still been struggling with some post-treatment symptoms. I feel almost as tired now as I did while actively receiving chemotherapy. And the brain fog, ugh! I thought I knew what that phrase meant after enduring the sleep-deprived newborn phase for each kiddo. But, man, was I wrong! I almost sound drunk sometimes with the way my words mush together or the nonsensical sentences my brain produces. And I don’t even drink! I’m waiting to hear back on a neurology referral but I’m not holding my breath that it will be a quick process.

I was able to finally see an endocrinologist; however, I only left there with a deep-seated disappointment in the medical community. I knew it was going to be a frustrating appointment when she started off with a “I don’t even really understand why you’re here.” After telling me my symptoms pointed to one thing but my bloodwork was mostly fine, I was sent on my way with the recommendation that I find someone else to help me. She is the second doctor that thinks maybe I’m just sad from having cancer and that talking about my feelings will magically make me not tired ::eye roll::

I’m not going to give up, though. I did not fight as hard as I did for two years just to “make it through.” I fought to LIVE and that’s what I intend to do. So I’m going to keep advocating and researching and being as annoying as I possibly can until I feel like myself again. My kids deserve their Mom back. My husband deserves his wife. And I deserve to feel good.

I sometimes feel guilty if I complain or bring up an physical issues I’m experiencing. The guilt mostly stems from people (doctors) making it seem like I should just be happy I’m alive and cancer-free. They shrug and say “well you did go through a lot of chemo.” Super helpful, am I right?

Music has been something I lean on a lot recently, especially on days when I am really struggling. Driving with the windows down and the radio up always makes me feel better, more like my old self. We recently took the kids to a Jelly Roll concert. One of his songs struck a nerve that I didn’t realize was tender – “I Am Not Okay.” It made me feel like bad days happen, it’s okay when they do, but everything will turn out all right. My cancer battle is proof of that. And I can’t forget what my current theme song says, ♫ Then I remember that I’m a warrior ♫

So, cheers to me, on my birthday! And cheers to all of you for sticking with me and sending me all the love and prayers. Keep ’em coming! And if you need a pep talk, give “I’m Still Smiling” by Andy Grammer a listen. The kids call it my warrior song 💛