Have you ever thought about, really thought about, how a lot of what we do is to prevent dying? We teach our kids to be careful, to be safe. We want to prolong life and push death off as long as possible. Cancer treatment even falls into this way of thinking. Chemo and radiation and surgery… it often is framed as a way to “give you more time [to live].”

Now, don’t get me wrong. I certainly don’t disagree with any of this. What’s more important than staying alive, right? And I definitely don’t want my children doing something dumb to unalive themselves. Recently, they all saw grown men doing very stupid things on television. All three of my kiddos were dumbfounded. “Why would they do that? That’s really silly. They’re just going to get hurt.” Everything they said was correct. I found myself agreeing and telling them that jumping off of buildings or out of moving cars was not a smart idea. But then I got to thinking about something… Yeah, the danger and the attention-seeking are terrible ideas (in my opinion), but what about the adrenaline-seeking aspect? Aren’t those men partially doing it to feel alive?

Shouldn’t we all be doing more life-seeking? We get wrapped up in all the day to day chaos of our lives, but I don’t consider that living. That’s getting by, doing what needs to be done. What if we all took a little more time to actually LIVE life instead of just prolonging it? What good is a long life if you don’t take advantage of it?

I’ve been trying to do more living despite how tired I feel. And, although it’s gotten me into a little trouble, I’m doing what I can to do more than just get through the day. I want to enjoy my days. It’s a little easier to commit to that way of thinking when your days are potentially more limited than they were before but it doesn’t have to be a hard change.

For example, instead of asking my kids to be quiet during a long car ride, I chose to be silly. When did quiet become synonymous with happiness, anyhow? I want to hear those giggles and I want to be the reason they are giggling.

Try to imagine the day (which I hope is a long time from now) when you are no longer here with your loved ones. What are they going to remember? Smiles and silliness? Frustration and quiet? A mixture of both? Live how you want to be remembered and it’ll start being easier to remember how you want to live.

Treatment Update:
I began the new chemo regimen last week. Infusion 1 went well without any real side effects besides some rosy cheeks and fatigue. My body definitely wasn’t prepared for more chemo but oh well! I’m hoping it’ll adapt over the next couple weeks and maybe I won’t need to sleep my weekends away.
During the infusion, I’ll be wearing a contraption that looks like it came straight out of a sci-fi movie. Boot and mittens and tubes everywhere. It’s purpose is to circulate ice water through the mittens/boots to hopefully prevent any neuropathy that may develop from the chemo. The only thing I really hate about it is that I can’t read while I’m in the chair!

Anyway, wish me luck. Only 15 more weeks of chemo to go! It seems like a long time but also nothing in comparison to the last 15 months. Keep praying that my scans stay clear and send me any audiobook/movie recommendations you might have. Much love to all of you and keep finding the joy!