Happy day after Christmas! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday (or at the very least enjoyed a nice day off)! I’ve been trying to write this post for nearly two weeks now. Between the chaos of life and the chaos in my brain, I’ve just been unable to get my thoughts down. It might get wordy, so get comfy and grab yourself something to drink. Maybe a snack. Here it goes…

Let me pick up where I left off. Texas. We flew down mid-December for my check-up and scans. My CT scan was clear with no signs of malignancy or metastases. Because my headaches have gotten more frequent, the doctor also order an MRI of my brain. That, too, was clear. No explanation for the headaches but also nothing to concern us.

My appointment with Dr. Ravi was pretty uneventful. He was pleased with the results and happy that I was able to manage the last chemotherapy so well. When asked about the next regimen, he gave us the go ahead. However, he did surprise us by changing how it would be given. Since the beginning, we were told that it would be four 4-week cycles (3 once weekly doses of chemo followed by a week off). My general decided that since I’ve been such a strong soldier through this war on angiosarcoma, those weeks off were unnecessary. So the battle plan is 16 straight weeks of chemo; thankfully it’s only one infusion day per week.

Every medical professional or cancer warrior I’ve spoken to says that this chemo is much easier than the last. Nausea isn’t as bad, my hair may start to go back, my blood levels shouldn’t fall as much as the others. However, the risk of neuropathy is quite high. If it were to occur, it is also possibly a permanent side effect. Caleb was able to find, through all of his tireless research, a product that will constantly cycle ice cold water through gloves/booties to minimize the potential for neuropathy. I’m hoping and praying that is works.

I have recently been struggling with the unfairness of it all. As grateful as I am to be alive and as grateful as I will be when I’m done with treatment, I can’t quite wrap my head around the constant reminders that I’ll have to endure after I’m all done kicking this thing’s ass – the reality that my body has permanently changed, the potential for lifelong side effects, and the likely PTSD/anxiety that I will deal with for years to come. It’s just, well… unfair. To have to fight for my life and then be reminded every day that life will never be the same seems a bit cruel. But I’ve been doing my best to flip it on its head — yes, it’s unfair but it’s also important to never forget how close death came, how it felt to envision the lives of my family without me in it. So I’m going to turn those daily reminders of the fight into daily affirmations of how precious and fleeting life is. Remembering to see life in that way makes being grateful for the chaos easier than being thankful in spite of it.

I honestly don’t know where the last month went. I don’t know about y’all, but it didn’t just feel like it flew by – it did so with lightning speed. It was certainly easy to get lost in the chaos of the holidays and all the preparations. I hope that, amid the craziness, you were able to find the joy in it. And now that the holiday is over, I think it’s a good reminder that all those preparations, those gifts, the food — those aren’t the memories you made. People don’t typically remember what you gave them five years from now or if the mashed potatoes were lumpy; they’re going to remember how they felt being able to spend time with the people they love, the laughs and conversations over a shared meal.

Now that Christmas is over, it’s time for resolutions, right? Ugh, the pressure! I think I’ve got a couple ambitious but attainable ones: 1) I’ve got a book (or three!) in the works so I’m committing myself to writing for at least an hour, three times a week; 2) I’m going to get through this chemo with the biggest smile on my face, never letting myself forget how far I’ve come.

If there’s a resolution that we can all get behind, it’s to live in the moment. Have goals for the future, never let yourself give up on the things you want, but also don’t let the future overshadow the present. Enjoy the NOW, enjoy the work that helps you attain your goals; don’t focus solely on those end goals because life can just happen and you may never get to that particular end.

One last thought before I let you all go… As cliche as the saying “Never say never” is, it is so very true. Don’t put yourself into the NEVER box. “I’ll never write that book” or “I’ll never run a marathon” or whatever else you tell yourself you’ll never do. Just erase that word from your vocabulary!

Let me give you a less serious example: “I’ll never have two cats in my house again…” (That’s a quote from my husband). Guess who has two cats again 😉

I now get to walk around my house with arms full of kittens! Something I thought I’d never get to say again. “NEVER” serves no purpose other than limiting what you can do, what your life can be.

I hope you all have the happiest new year. May your 2025 be full of joy, positivity, and possibilities. Much love to you all!