A year ago today I was in the middle of receiving my first cycle of chemotherapy treatment. It was such a surreal experience, seeing myself hooked up to machines like people I’d only ever seen in movies. Today I’m receiving the dose 2 of cycle 5 for my second regimen (much less surreal than it once was).  That equates to cycle 11 if we’re adding it all up. What a weird thing to think about. But, when you sit in a chair for 3 hours, you’d be amazed what your brain does. I could never have predicted how this last year was going to go on that first day. Smiling and joking with the nurses while my body takes in these toxins seems… odd. But you never know what you’re capable of until you’re put to the test.

I’ve suffered from anxiety for almost all my life. And I do mean that literally. Thinking back, it began when I was approximately 6-7 years old. So 30 YEARS. I’ve dealt with it for 30 years, almost half of which I didn’t realize what was happening. As anyone with anxiety will tell you, intrusive thoughts can be a big part of life. Let me give you a few examples…

What if the house starts on fire while Caleb is out of town and I can’t get all the kids out safely and… and… ?!?

What if that car crosses the center line and moves into my lane and I’m not able to get out of the way and they hit me and I’m paralyzed and… and… ?!?

What if I get cancer and it’s aggressive and I’m not able to fight it and… ?!?

That last one was definitely a real inner argument I’ve had with myself. And here I am. The answers I came up with looked very different from my current situation. I’ve always been sort of a pessimistic person, always preparing myself for the worst case scenario. Life right now is pretty close to worst case but it doesn’t feel that way.

Sometimes, doing the hard thing is the only way to find out what you’re truly made of. I never thought I was capable of possessing such strength and positivity. I would have said quite the opposite. But, just about every morning, I wake up empowered and ready to take on whatever gets thrown my way.

Do the hard thing, whether it’s a choice or just a challenge. You never know what you’re truly made of until you need to. You just might surprise yourself.