We arrived back home Thursday just in time to take our kiddos to an event at their school! It was hectic and rushed but look at those faces! How could we say no? The snuggles were well worth it.
As happy as I was to be going home, though, I found myself almost a little melancholy on the flights home. I was tired and not feeling great, but it seemed like something else was dampening my excitement. Even Caleb noticed. As we flew over bustling cities and suburbs, houses full of light and people, cars headed to destinations, I realized I was feeling a little envious. Envious of the seemingly uncomplicated lives going on below me while I headed back from another battle. It was unfair. I didn’t want to be on that plane because I didn’t want to have to be fighting. Every so often I’m overcome with just how unfair it all seems. This angiosarcoma has changed everything in my life. I can’t think of a single thing that has remained the same.
Nothing in my life actually belongs to me anymore. My health and my body aren’t mine to take care of anymore; feeding myself is often not even my choice due to side effects. Our house is no longer our personal space – it’s filled with other people (people I am immensely grateful for) and we have very little time as our family the way we used to. My kids are even being taken care of by the amazing village that has risen up around us – but I can’t be there for them the way I used to and I can’t always help them process what our life is now when they need it most. My time is not my own. I’m at the mercy of scans and doctor’s appointments and transfusions and chemotherapy regimens. I have little control over most everything in my life. 
But then I remember what Dr. Ravi told me the very first time we met. This is a war and I will be battling for my life. I’m putting my life, my health, my time, and my (and my family’s) future into his hands and the hands of everyone that is helping me fight this. And I have to trust that I have chosen the best general to lead me in this fight.
If you are reading this and are going through your own fight, please make sure that you have trust and confidence in your doctor. The peace I feel when I remind myself that he is the expert, THE doctor who can help me beat this – it’s beyond words. I don’t know that I could fight as hard or be as optimistic if I was anxious about having the right doctor in my corner. If you aren’t sure, do your research and do whatever you can to find that peace. 
Thankfully, the melancholy has passed and I’m just enjoying my time at home now. My blood levels seem to be dropping a bit faster than before so I’m feeling the effects a bit sooner than usual. I am also trying to get rid of a mild cold that I have been fighting for a week; my immune system just ain’t what is used to be, ya know? Transfusions will most likely happen the beginning of the week so I look forward to feeling better come Thursday-ish.
Thank you everyone for reading and praying and thinking of us as we near the finish line on this chemotherapy. ONE CYCLE LEFT!! Then we tackle radiation!