Yesterday my friend (and fellow sarcoma warrior) asked me a question that has stuck with me since. She wanted to know if I still found myself wondering how this cancer could happen to me. She wanted to know if I was still angry about it. 

The short answer is yes, every single day. A small part of me may always be angry, I don’t know. Some days I still wonder if the cancer is some sort of punishment God assigned me for some sin I can’t seem to recall. I know in my heart that is not true but it is a way my brain is trying to make sense of it.

Because of this cancer, I can’t have more kids. I can’t be a surrogate like I always wanted to be for a family struggling to start a family. I may have lasting side effects from the chemotherapy. There’s a chance the cancer will come back no matter what we throw at it.

But there are also some good things that have come from this. My husband and I have been able to spend so much quality time with each other despite our worries. I’ve changed into a person that stresses a little less about the small, silly things and instead focuses on just enjoying my days, my family, my life. I feel like I smile more and laugh a little longer. My husband’s jokes are even funnier. I’m pouring a little more of myself into hobbies I’d been pushing aside for chores. I revel in the chaos of my kids instead of gritting my teeth. And every snuggle is just that much sweeter. I’ve come to realize that my friends are truly my friends, not just people I know. So much good has come from one ugly tumor.

I need to accept some hard truths about the things that I won’t be able to do and things that may happen in the future, but I also get to embrace the wonderful changes and experiences that have come from these truths.

If cancer finds you, don’t lose yourself. Don’t hide from life and let the sadness or anger take over. Please don’t focus on what the cancer may have taken away. Try to remember that it’s given you a new view of your life and the courage to make it better. Keep your heart full and your life fuller.