On Thursday (11/16), Caleb and I met with Dr. Ravi to discuss how the first cycle went. The appointment did not go as well as I was expecting it to. 

Dr. Ravi had told us that, if I breezed through my first cycle, I could head home right after the next infusion – which meant I would only be away from home for a week. Considering how few side effects I experienced, I thought it meant I had gotten through it relatively easily despite my hospital stay (which we attributed to be out and about too much). What the doctor failed to tell us at the time was that breezing through treatment had more to do with my blood counts and not the other side effects I experienced.

We’re going to miss Thanksgiving. And the whole week following it. I have to stay in Houston and wait for my counts to tank and then recover. Apparently they went way lower than he expected and took longer to recover. So we are here for another 14 days or so. 

I tried to write this post on Thursday but I was so mad that I couldn’t. I was mad at the doctor for not giving me all the information, for leaving out important details that would help me better understand what is happening and what it means. I understand that he is just trying to do what is best for my survival, doing what it takes to keep me here for years to come. But, in that moment, I felt lied to and I was angry. I’m still a bit frustrated by it all but I’m not upset with him now. I’m angry at the cancer that has shaken up my life so much. I’m angry at my body for not matching how I feel; how I can feel so great, like the chemo has barely affected me, only to find out my body was wrecked by it in ways I can’t feel? I’m angry that there really isn’t anything I can do to help it recover. I’m angry that I just have to wait down here in Houston for my body to catch up to the way my mind feels. But, most of all, I’m angry that I have to disappoint my kiddos again when I tell them Mommy and Daddy can’t come home. 

However, despite my anger and frustration, I know that this is how it has to be for now. I have to do whatever it takes to wipe this cancer out. And I know that I can do this, it’s just going to be harder than expected.

We are looking into other treatment options: places closer to home that can give the infusions or at least a local oncologist who can monitor my levels and side effects while I’m at home. If not, I will have to spend 60-70% of the next few months in Houston away from my kids, my pets, and my home. I’ll do it if it is my only option but I’m going to exhaust every alternate avenue first.

Thank you for all of the love, encouragement, and prayers. They definitely help to keep me smiling!